Ask Liz: The Game of the Name Change

Dear Liz:

After the ceremony, how does changing your last name work? I’m also trying to figure out if I want to at all. I’ve been a lawyer for five years, and I think it might get confusing professionally, so I’m not sure. 

Signed, 

The Name is the Game

Dear Game,

So, my maiden name is “McNamee.” Try pronouncing that out loud. Yeah, I know, you can’t. Nobody can spell it, nobody can pronounce it, and I spent 30 years helping them, and wincing when they got wrong, anyway. When Coopersmith and I got engaged, mostly I was thinking, Yes, I will change my name to something people can at least spell. Cooper…smith. Easiest thing in the world, right? At our wedding, my father-in-law made a toast warned me that no one was going to be able to pronounce my new last name, or spell it. After 30 years of living with an obscure Irish surname, I found that hilarious. Last month,  A sales lady called me Mrs. Cooperson.  I was with my my mother-in-law, the other Mrs. Coopersmith, who found that hilarious.

As you can imagine, this comes up a lot in Wedding World. On a logistic level, it’s a pain in the butt, getting a new social security card so you can change everything else, and the myriad and byzantine-like processes for doing that, differing by state, of course. It’s like changing your address on crack – You have to wait to to get your marriage certificate, then take it to the  Social Security Office, then wait to get your new social security card and then go  to the 5,000 people and companies who have you listed under your old name.

But we all know that it won’t be the reason you decide which way to go.

It’s funny, I had a first consultation a few days ago, and one of my standard questions is, “how did you meet?” The pause afterward was familiar, so I already knew the answer – they met on a matchmaking site.  It’s the same pause I hear after I ask a woman where she works, before she tells  me that she’s a stay at home Mom. And It’s the same pause I hear after I ask the bride if she’s changing her name. Like it’s a decision they made that I might judge them about. Or, most likely, that others have judged them about.

We can be so very hard on one another. Some women see keeping their last name as a matter of keeping their identity, that they are still the same person they were before he slipped on the ring. Cool. On the other hand, some women want to change their name so they can be easily recognized as a family unit. Some women choose to hyphenate their names because they like the way it sounds.   Also cool.

For some, it’s easier to keep their last name because of their careers. Some  women change because they like the tradition.  Some women keep theirs because they don’t want to do the damn paperwork. All cool reasons, all valid because they’re your reasons. And the truth is, whatever it is that you decide to do, there’s going to be someone who disagrees with you.

Having the wedding you want is just an extension of having the life you want too, whatever that looks like. Don’t be ashamed of your choice, but don’t judge other people on theirs, either.  Go easy, it’s rough out there.

See you at the end of the aisle,

Liz Coopersmith

Silver Charm Events

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